Walks into a Bar

The other day I went to lunch with a group from the office for someone’s birthday. It was a fun change from the usual mid-day meal. We had a large group and not enough time to wait for a table. So, we all had

Lunch at the Bar

This worked out well. There was no wait, quick service, and plenty of seats. Okay, just enough seats for the group. It wasn’t a huge bar. And, maybe it wasn’t quite perfect because I got stuck on the end.

Not just stuck, more like crammed. Crammed next to what? Excellent question.

I slurped my soup pressed against this:

I’ve seen these things before, but this time the question just wouldn’t leave me alone.

What is it?

I have no idea. Seriously.

Truthfully, I don’t remember what we talked about at lunch, or if we even sung a happy birthday song. I was far too preoccupied with trying to figure out why there’s a giant brass bar, hoop, ring, thing bolted on the end of the bar.

At first I was thinking towel rack, but that doesn’t quite make sense. Why would you hang your towels next to the customers?

Maybe it’s a hoop for some sort of sideways drunken bar basketball?

That’s just foolish.

There was a pile of silverware next to the hoop. Perhaps it’s an automatic silverware/napkin folder? You simply grab some utensils, a napkin, and throw it through the hoop. Voila. It pops out the other side instantly rolled up.

That doesn’t seem quite right either.

It’s been over a week, but I think I’ve finally figured it out. It’s a


But, not  just any handle.

It’s a giant drunken ‘oh shit’ handle.

What’s an ‘oh shit’ handle? Well, let’s say you’re in a car and the crazy drive suddenly swerves to avoid an accident. That moment is when you would grab the little handle they put by your head in every car and say, “oh shit.”

How would this work in a bar?

Well, you put the really drunk people next to the giant brass handle. When they sway and start to fall, they can grab the handle and exclaim, “ooooh shhhhlzzzttt!” Which is drunk for ‘oh shit!’

Of course, now I wonder what the bartender thought of me because I was sitting right next to the ‘oh shit’ handle.

Next time, I’ll have to lobby for a better seat.


2 thoughts on “Walks into a Bar

  1. From a well informed source, I think I have found the official answer:

    “It is put there so that the patrons do not stand in the space – this is where the servers pick up their drink orders and garnish the drinks –notice the garnish trays on the bar – can also be used by the drunk sorority girl for jumping up on the bar to dance for the drunk fraternity boys –right before she passes out

    Mating call of the sorority girl “Y all I am sooo drunk””

    And for that, I say thank you!


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